


My Friend The Witch Doctor

by YouHateInvisiblePie



Series: Inspired by music [2]
Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: M/M, canon typical cursing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-27
Updated: 2016-07-27
Packaged: 2018-07-27 01:54:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7598899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YouHateInvisiblePie/pseuds/YouHateInvisiblePie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Hey Church, I have something very important to tell you."</p><p>Church sincerely doubted it. "What is it, Caboose?"</p><p>"Ooo eee ooo ah ah ting tang walla walla bing bang."</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Friend The Witch Doctor

**Author's Note:**

> This is what happens when random songs get stuck in my head and I have nothing else to do on my days off. 
> 
> Inspired by the song "The Witch Doctor" by David Seville.

"Hey Church," the blue team's rookie said, destroying the rare moment of quiet that Church had been enjoying.

"What do you want Caboose?" Church reluctantly asked. He wanted to ignore him, but knew that if he did that, Caboose would keep pestering him until he eventually caved. Perhaps if they just got this out of the way now, Church could return to his brooding silence with enough time to enjoy it before another interruption inevitably came along.

"I have something very important to tell you."

Church sincerely doubted it. "What is it, Caboose?" He sighed.

"You need to look me in the eyes first," Caboose informed him.

"Even if I wanted to do that, which I definitely don't, we are both wearing helmets you idiot."

"So?"

"So I can't even see your - you know what, nevermind. Screw it. What do you need to tell me Caboose that is so god-damned important?" Church asked.

Caboose crouched so that the two of them were at the same eye level. It was intimidating having the larger soldier in his space like that, but Church would never admit it.

Then, in a tone more serious than Church thought the other soldier was even capable of, Caboose said the most ridiculous string of nonsense syllables know to man. "Ooo eee ooo ah ah ting tang walla walla bing bang." He then stood up and looked at Church expectantly. What exactly he was expecting however was completely lost on the other blue soldier.

"I'd ask what the hell that was about, but then you'd try to explain it to me and I don't really care," Church said before turning and walking away. He thought that would put an end to it. Little did he know it was only the beginning.

Over the next three weeks, Caboose kept blabbering that nonsense at Church every chance he got.

"Ooo eee ooo ah ah"

Over and over again.

"Ting tang"

It was driving Church insane.

"Walla walla bing bang."

"Seriously though," he vented to Tucker, who found the entire situation funny although he refused to explain why. "Why the fuck does Caboose keep saying that stupid phrase to me? And why does he always try to look me in the eye when he does? It's creepy."

"It's hysterical," Tucker countered.

Church glared.

"Have you really not figured it out yet?" Tucker asked. "Are you not familiar with that song?"

"I've heard it before. There is a doctor in it I think. What does it matter? I just want Caboose to stop doing whatever the hell it is that he's doing."

"You should really go ask him the words to that song," Tucker suggested.

"You clearly know them. Why can't you tell me?" Church grumbled.

"I could," Tucker admitted, "but I'm not going to. Dude, this is the most entertaining thing that has happened at our base in the past like six months. I'm not just going to ruin it. If you really want to know, just go ask him."

"Fine," Church huffed.

"Really? Awesome! But wait a minute, I need to go get some popcorn. This is either going to end very well or very badly but either way it's going to be quite a show."

"Fuck you," Church snapped as he set out to find his other teammate and hopefully put an end to this nonsense, or at the very least get some sort of an explanation.

"Caboose."

"Oh hi, Church!"

"We need to talk."

"Okay. I'll go first. I have a secret to tell you, but Tucker has to go away before I can tell you what it is."

"I'm not going anywhere," Tucker replied. "Plus it's not really a secret if you're saying it constantly."

"Tucker should still go away," Caboose said to Church, turning his back to Tucker. "Very far away."

"If I left then you two idiots would never get this sorted out."

"Sorted out? All I want is for the god-damned ooo eees to stop. Is that too much to ask?"

"I don't need your help Tucker!"

"Help with what? Driving me up the wall by repeatedly jabbering nonsense? No, you've got that covered. At least normally your nonsense is somewhat tolerable, but lately it's just been gibberish. Seriously Caboose, what the hell?"

"It's uh, nothing," Caboose lied badly. "Just a song."

"I know that it's a song," Church replied. "But that doesn't explain why you have been repeating that one part over and over at me like a broken record. Tucker says that the rest of the lyrics are important. So what are they?"

Caboose turned around and glared at Tucker. Even with his helmet on, the contempt was clear.

"What are the words, Caboose?" Church asked again, trying to get the rookie's attention once again.

Caboose looked down at his feet and mumbled "I told the witch doctor" he paused and looked up at Church, hoping that maybe he wasn't paying attention. He was. Caboose muttered at the floor again, "I was in love with you. I told the witch doctor I was in love with you. And then the witch doctor he told me what to do. He said that ooo eee"

"Yeah, I know that part, walla walla bing bang. Just skip it."

"I told the witch doctor you didn't love me true," Caboose continued. "I told the witch doctor you didn't love me nice. And then the witch doctor he game me this advice. He said"

"Ooo eee walla walla bing bang, got it."

"That's not how it goes, Church," Caboose corrected, looking up. "It's ooo eee ooo ah ah ting tang walla walla bing bang. That's important."

"Why?"

"Because," Caboose paused briefly before looking straight at Church for the first time since he started, and rushing through the next words. "You've been keeping love from me just like you were a miser, and I'll admit I wasn't very smart. So I went out and found myself a guy that's so much wiser, and he taught me," here Caboose paused and took a deep breath before continuing slowly "the way to win your heart."

Now Caboose was nervously shifting from foot to foot, unable to stay still as he finished telling Church the lyrics. "My friend the witch doctor he taught me what to say. My friend the witch doctor he taught me what to do. I know that you'll be mine when I say this to you."

There were a couple moments of silence before the meaning of the words sunk in.

"So you were trying to do what exactly? Seranade me?" Church asked, still feeling like he was missing something.

"Not exactly, no," Caboose admitted, shaking his head.

"He was trying to use voodoo magic on you," Tucker laughed.

Caboose looked down at his feet again, clearly ashamed. "I'm so sorry Church. I know I shouldn't have done it. I just really want you to be my boyfriend, but I know that's no excuse. I'm sorry," he repeated. "And you don't have to worry, it didn't work, and I promise I won't do it ever again."

"And the unsettling amount of eye contact?" Church asked slowly, still trying to process everything.

"Well the eyes are the window to the soul, and I wanted your soul to be able to see that my soul didn't mean it any harm," Caboose explained.

"So let me get this straight, for the last three weeks, you've been trying to make me fall in love with you by using a magic spell that you learned from a song?"

"Yes."

"Okay," Church said, rubbing at his helmet as if that would get rid of the headache he could feel coming on from all of this riddiculousness. "I'm glad we got that cleared up."

"So are you two going to kiss now or what?" Tucker piped up.

"What the hell makes you think that we're about to kiss?" Church wanted to know.

"Well you're bi and he's, I'm assuming, gay."

"Just because two people's orientations are compatible doesn't mean they are going to get together, asshole."

"That's not what I meant," Tucker explained.

"That's what you said," Church replied.

"Somebody needs to be getting some action in this god-forsaken canyon," Tucker tried again. "We are pathetic enough without all of us being celibate. Grif and Simmons can't seem to get their heads out of each other's asses long enough to see what's in front of them, and I am straight in a canyon without a single woman in it. So that just leaves you two," Tucker explained. "Clearly Caboose has a thing for you, bow chicka bow wow, and you told me that night we got absolutely wasted that you would totally kiss Caboose if given the chance. And here's your chance, so take it. Kiss him."

"You said you were too drunk to remember anything we talked about that night," Church said.

"Yeah, I lied. I know all of your deep dark embarrassing secrets dude."

"I am so going to kill you," Church threatened.

"Yeah, sure, whatever. I'll take my chances with the one man firing squad. Just kiss him already."

Church rolled his eyes before removing his helmet and gently tapping the center of Caboose's.

"Hey buddy, it's going to be kind of hard for me to kiss you if you don't take your helmet off."

Several months passed and Church couldn't bring himself to say it. Three little words. Relatively easy ones too in comparison to the rest of the English language. Still. He wasn't even certain if they were true. That was a lie.

He couldn't say it though. He had loved Allison, still loved Allison, always would, and look how that turned out.

Caboose seemed to understand though. There was a lot that he didn't and never would, but thankfully he understood why Church never said that he loved him.

Those words were just too closely tied to her in a way that couldn't be undone. So Caboose didn't try to. Instead, he found his own way of expressing the sentiment.

"Ooo eee," Caboose yawned, laying his head down on Church's chest, and closing his eyes, mere moments from sleep.

"Walla walla bing bang, buddy," Church replied before kissing Caboose once lightly on top of the head. "Walla walla bing bang."


End file.
